Disclaimer: This post was written over a year ago so is not exactly reflective of my current state of mind, yet many of the questions it poses still play in my head (“biyel3abo f mokhi”). In an effort to be less perfectionistic with what I publish you may now have to put up with a lot of drivel. But, at least it’s out there (whatever “there” is).

I recently started a part-time job. It is in an industry I’m passionate about and fulfills many of the criteria I look for in a job, if I’m going to be employed by someone that is not me (proximity to home, a certain degree of flexibility, payment, a progression possibility, people to learn from, nice and respectful coworkers, not staring at a screen all day…). I hesitate to say this on a live platform where it can be read by anyone (including my coworkers) but I entered this job with a very clear idea of the lines I would draw to protect myself (based on past experiences at other jobs). I saw it as a learning opportunity, but also as a chance to finally have some expendable income. I was very harsh with myself: this time I would not go in with my whole heart.

I came up with some very clear guidelines for myself:

• I would not think about work outside of work
• I would not work outside of working hours (that includes no phone calls or messages to co-workers)
• I would continue to write on my regular writing schedule (writing being my established “priority”)
• I would not change my lifestyle or beliefs (this time)
• I would put me first, not the company  

But naturally, even within the first few weeks of the job, I found myself challenged on multiple fronts and giving a little here and there. I answered some Whatsapp messages on a weekend. I chatted a little to my coworker about her life (getting emotionally involved). I sent myself an e-mail of something I wanted to work on at home because I didn’t have enough time for it at the office. I stayed a little “overtime”.  I reasoned to myself, that unlike many of my previous jobs, this was something I actually cared about, something I wanted to explore as a future career (not just something that interested me right this moment), so it was “okay”, it wouldn’t “hurt me” this time. After all, to “succeed” you sometimes have to make concessions, no? But still I would go home robbed of all energy, wondering if maybe, just by shifting my perspective a little bit, I had gotten myself into too much? If maybe I am one of those people that cannot do things with only half of their brain?  I want to invest enough, for there to be potential for more, but not so much that it overtakes my other priorities in life.

The thing about the culture we live in is that it does not really allow you to be more than one thing. Especially in relation to work. If you like to write, for example, and you practice writing, then you’re a “writer” and it should be your job as a writer to dedicate most your time and energy to that. If you are not writing everyday, if you are not producing work that is shared with others, or work that is published, then you are not really doing the thing. And if you are not consistently and repeatedly doing the thing, then perhaps you’re better off not doing it at all. Expert or nothing.

This is where I find myself struggling a lot. I like a lot of things about writing. I like sharing my opinions, I like putting my thoughts down and organizing them, I like doing research on things I may not know much about, but I don’t always love spending the majority of my time inside my head. I enjoy outside interactions. I enjoy mingling with people and talking about random shit and learning through others’ experiences. I enjoy being challenged outside of my comfort zone (I think). And I like not feeling like my entire livelihood depends on how much I produce or how well marketed my content is. 

It also expects/presupposes that you put work (the one that brings you money) before everything.

Does that mean that I will forever just remain average?

If, to be good at something, you really need to put in a lot of time, doesn’t that mean that anything else is a distraction? Do I want to be thinking of what is selling in the store and what isn’t when I’m trying to work on a piece about our different selves? Is it “right” or even possible for me to separate myself emotionally?

If we are in our truth are things meant to be easy?