When a wave comes we’re taught to either go under it or over it: dive headfirst or wait until the perfect moment to jump. It’s scary, it’s daunting, it ensnares all of our senses. Waves are a factor in most of our lives, but not ones we spend a lot of our time dwelling on. Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about this wave-tackling philosophy of mine, and wondering if I should dive headfirst or wait until the perfect moment to jump in my own life.Ever since my breakdown last year I have been balancing on a tightrope, walking slowly to make sure that life doesn’t eat me up again.I have been going to the doctor, taking my medication and waiting until the perfect moment to jump. What does jump mean for me? Im not entirely sure. It might mean taking on a new job. It might mean putting myself back out there. It might just mean continuing to write.

When a wave comes we wait for a second to see what kind of wave it will be. If it will be a small barely there bump or a big foamy monster, coming to disarm you. In life we usually don’t have this gauge. We are usually thrown headfirst into the wave with no time to dive and avoid the collision. We are overcome, whether we want it or not.

My grandma is a big believer in waves. When it’s Sahel season she waits every day for a report on the state of the sea. She waits to find out what the flag is and if the sea will be swimmable or fillled with waves. Unlike many of us, she revers the waves. She gives them the respect they deserve and honours their ability to uproot our lives. Me? I don’t follow in her footsteps. When I see a wave coming I usually jump in full force. Often, I don’t even wait to see what kind of wave it will be before going all in. This has been my technique all my life, and I’m not sure it has served me all that well. Whenever I have seen a challenge I have dived in as if there is nothing there. Teach 20-something snot-filled kids at a snooty private school? Sign me up. Take on creating the agenda for a 5000+ 3-day event, I’m there. Write the script for three in depth documentaries, I’m all in. Any job or responsibility that has come my way I have said yes to, heck I have even sought it out. But I don’t know if I want to adopt this philosophy again. Diving headfirst has left me drained and empty. The wave that hit me last year de-rooted my entire life. In a few short sleepless weeks I became completely unchained, a quivering ball of anxiety and fear.

 Facing the wave looks different when you don’t see it coming. When you think it’s a flat day but all of a sudden you’re swept up in the current. I never used to be afraid of waves but now I have learned their might. What would you do if you didn’t know what kind of wave was coming? Would you jump, dive, or just let it overtake you?

Today I am sitting at the beach looking at the real-life waves and wondering what it will be. I keep wanting to jump or dive but feel like I will be overtaken instead. There is a part of me that is still scared of the power of the wave. But then I listen for a bit and realize that the waves have a flow to them. That this great power follows some kind of larger trajectory. And I wonder the same about my life. Did being overtaken by the wave serve some larger purpose? Was it part of the dance and sway of the sea? I don’t think I will ever have an answer to that, but I am once again soothed in my own ability to confront the wave. This time I hope I can again dive all in, or jump. Perfect timing be damned.  

Yours unwaveringly,

Girl With One Earring