“Is that your second slice of cake? I think you’re right you do have a problem. I’ve noticed your portions are bigger than an average person’s. Maybe you really do need to eat healthier,” she commented as I sunk my fork into the scrumptious slice of German apple cake.

“Saddetili nefsi. Now I don’t want to eat,” I commented knowing full well that she had hit the nail on the head. It was something I’d thought of a lot, especially ever since we got to Germany, my tendency to overdo too much of a good thing.

I wasn’t always this way. Or really, I wasn’t always this bad. I don’t know when it started this need to to keep taking in more. One cappuccino? No, let’s make it two. One sandwich? Let’s follow it up with a slice of cake. If little was good then more was better. Wherever I walked or sat down I would need to consume.

Have you ever sat down enjoying that perfect cup of coffee and then immediately felt the need to replicate the experience?

That’s where I am at, currently. I think it started with the fact that I can’t really feel my body’s responses for “enough”. Ever since I caught that virus a few years ago all of the neurons in my abdomen seem to be slightly impeded, so I have to rely on my eyes and my brain to gauge the portions I take in. I am never “full”. But really it’s about more than that. It’s partially a need to tie into the culture and belong. Consumption is what society is trying to sell us, and by participating in this pastime I am somehow becoming a part of the culture. By having that slice of cake I am part of all those people taking an afternoon off and enjoying a bite of sweets. By taking in that second coffee, I am increasing my “mazag” and “taking the edge off” (in a way). Spend more money and you instantly feel better, is what they want you to believe. It’s crazy to think but my tendency to overeat might be rooted in loneliness.

The problem is that even having become aware of the problem it’s hard to stop. Intellectually I know that that bite of cake or that second coffee will not bring me joy. They probably won’t even solve the problem of hunger or thirst, as they are mostly a sign of want. But still, I believe somewhere that “more” is the solution to all of my problems. If I just have one more that’ll be it.I’ll fit in. I’ll get there (wherever there is).

Do you think at the root of us our food habits are just learned behaviour?

I used to worry for a long time that I would die of hunger. Okay “die” is an extreme word, but I used to worry that I would suffer intense hunger bouts. As someone who gets hangry all the time, I had to constantly be aware how often I was feeding myself to avoid crazy episodes. I had to walk around with snacks at all times to make sure I didn’t fall into a hunger spiral. Not being hungry was a way to be pleasant and in line with all of those surrounding me. Not being hungry was placating.

The problem with me and health is that I live in extremes. It’s either yes to everything, give me more chocolate more love more coffee more beer or no to everything, I will not have your gluten your meat your cheese your alcohol. I know that moderation is the key, but I don’t know how to access that moderation. Recently I have taken to drinking water as an outlet for my extreme behaviour. Whenever I feel the need for “more”, I take a sip of water instead. It’s quite successful although I know it’s just a band aid for my problem and not the solution.

What do you do when your need for more comes up?

How do you handle society’s pressure to consume?

Are you also a wanter of “more”?

Searchingly yours,

Girl With One Earring