Sometimes I wonder to what extent emotions are something we’re in charge of versus something that rules us. Can we out-rationalize emotions?
I am a firm believer in the fact that we are not our thoughts, that we get to choose what we think and therefore it makes more sense to choose what is not destructive to us. And yet, I often find my thoughts going down worst-case-scenario lane. That guy I’m interested in totally saw my message and chose to ignore it. Those friends I care about didn’t tell me about that outing on purpose. My mom willingly forgot to remind me of that event.
To what extent is this something that’s innately programmed in us vs. something we’re in charge of?
I think cell phones and the texting culture has had a big effect on fueling our emotional sides. Something about making us more available at all times has increased the frequency and the rate at which our emotions get engaged. Unlike a short phone call where you can read the other person’s tone and intention, texting elongates the conversation, allowing you to feel however you are most inclined to feel at that moment (if you’re angry, you’re more likely to detect antagonism in someone’s tone…etc). Texting has increased the threshold and the “right” we seem to have to know how others are thinking and feeling us.
The other day I had a phone exchange with some friends. We were trying to make plans to hang for the night, but I would post and then no one would answer in the group (although I could see they had read it). The instance got me spiraling from “they must be busy doing something” to “they don’t really care about me” in a matter of minutes.
Was I perceiving truth or just in my feels?
It’s hard to know when the line from rational to emotional has been crossed. Human beings are so sensitive even the tiniest switch in tone can affect us. So what is the cure? In my opinion it’s real and honest conversation. Whether it’s your issue or someone else’s I have found that the solution to an emotional overload day is often opening up to another person and allowing that vulnerability to shine through. Brene Brown talks about this extensively, explaining how when she and her husband fight she approaches a resolution with the words “the story that I’m telling myself is….”. Communicating honestly and letting the other person know what you are thinking is often step 1 to overcoming your more emotional inclinations. When you talk to someone you generally get a sense of their feelings, their response to you, how touched or not touched they are. The connection created through your voice makes the relationship warmer. You can’t hide behind not answering or vague responses as much.
Personally I have been a proponent of the passive-aggressive approach quite often. Ruled by emotion and lost in text-translation, I have often bowed out of trying and I guess this is where the rational comes in to save the day. When you find yourself going down a tangent, this is when the rational mind needs to step in to wake you up.
Did she really say that or are you just making it up?
Did he really pull away or did the conversation just die?
Did she really oversee me or am I just projecting?
Because, in truth, you never know what’s going on at the other end of a person. If you live long enough and have honest enough conversations, you’ll probably find that people are not generally mean on purpose. They’re just a bit selfish. Or caught in their own thing. Or they assume you’re not thinking of them, so they play it cool. Try opening up and see what happens.
And when the hurt arises? Recalibrate the effort/the emotion to something you care about. I’ve found that paying it forward is really the way to go. When you find yourself going down an emotional spiral reassess the situation and take yourself out of it. Is there any other way this could be read? Try and redirect that energy somewhere fruitful. Smile. Take a breather. And remember life does not always go on your terms. When you’re ready for something, may not always be when you get the response you need. Maybe life is trying to teach you something. Maybe you’re in for something unexpected.
Emotionally yours,
Girl With One Earring
Photo by White Malaki on Unsplash
