I’ve always marveled at the term “ghosting”. It’s such a funny and image-conjuring word to describe a really unpleasant and largely silent process of estrangement. I picture Casper the Friendly Ghost waving goodbye with a big smile, as he exits on his merry way to his next date or standing hookup appointment (or whatever freaky shit Casper gets up to). No unread messages, no fake promises, no three little dots that never turn into words …

Lately, I’ve been more concerned with another horror-inspired concept that I’ve found often comes after the ghosting. I like to call it the haunting. In the haunting, the ghost often comes back to “life” and proceeds to do what ghosts do best— haunt you.

Ping me if any of this sounds familiar:

• You keep running into that one person you’re trying to avoid at every birthday, lunch or get together you get invited to
• You have found yourself the victim of multiple Instagram tags on previous inside jokes (sent by someone you haven’t spoken to in three years)
• You’ve received more than one “this reminded me of you” message in the past month  
• Your stories have suddenly started garnering increased reactions from said person (or persons if you’re really vibin’ queen
• You’ve gotten that  out-of-nowhere missed call that bleeds red in your call log

If you’ve checked “yes” to two or more of the above…. Congratulations you’re being haunted! 
In these situations, I often ask myself two questions:

Why me? (Because, let’s face it, after you’ve taken the time to get over someone, the last thing you want is for them to come back and infiltrate your life again). And—what is the universe trying to tell me? (i.e., is this meant to test my reaction and accordingly what life lessons have I learned?).

Answers usually vary according to my mood and state of mind. But one question always remains: what do we do when we’re being haunted in the 21^st century (I need a new name to describe this time- period that sounds more apocalyptical to fit with the subject and state of things).Because— apparently— having a mature adult conversation is out of the question.

In the past six months I have fallen victim to various haunting scenarios. People I had been close to have reappeared in my life with no explanation as to their exit, mostly following the smooth “hey, how are you route?”. Now I don’t know about you, but stuff like this just bugs me to no end. I mean, if we lived in the 1950s you couldn’t just get up in the middle of the conversation and come back as if nothing happened.. And yet, today, we are confronted with these scenarios on the daily. I have not met one person who hasn’t had to deal with a haunting at some point or other. Whether it be from a potential love interest, or an ex-friend, it seems that more and more people have lost the art of real conversation.

So what do we do?

Well depending on your inclination on the passive-aggressive to direct scale, you could try one of the following:

• Psychological warfare via left on read
• Block or restrict their profile…or better yet turn off all social media
• Get one of those skywriting services to spell out “what are your intentions?” outside of the ghost’s office
• Call their parents and find out how they raised their son/daughter to be so unfeeling
• Sic your friends on ‘em  
• Or the always preferred but never realistic, “please stop contacting me”

Personally, I’m most inclined towards the last two options. And yet I must ask myself, why do people haunt in the first place?

Is it an inability to put thoughts into words (hence, ghosting and haunting)?

Is it an inability to let the past go?

Is it a fear of confrontation (so you just ignore the elephant in the room)?

Is it a need for control or a fear of rejection?

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine regarding a familial haunting. She was on the outs with her cousin and he began showing up suddenly. You can never really escape family, I guess. Anyways, we talked about what happens when the people closest to you disappoint you. I found myself saying to her “it doesn’t get easier, you just get stronger” and I wondered if that was true. I wanted to say something that would make her feel better without discounting how shitty it is and how much it hurts when someone you love (or think you do) just disappears on you. Because when you really dissect it, that’s what’s at the bottom of every haunting, some kind of betrayal of trust. One party expects the other party to act like a decent human being, and stick to their guns. If you’re ghosting, you’re ghosting. If you’re talking you’re talking, you don’t change your mind mid-way. It’s black or white but they live in the grey.

And yet, we’ve all done it.

We’ve all avoided that daunting conversation in favour of a little “hey, how are you” message.  We’ve all popped back into someone’s life after promising ourselves that last time was the last time. We’ve all picked up the phone and called someone we haven’t spoken to in six months.

So maybe, on some absurd level, haunting makes us human. Our inability to let go, brings us closer together. After all, we did invent the term ghosting (officializing the unofficial). 

And yet I would challenge you to question this aspect of your humanity. I would challenge you to really access your heart-space and see what’s going on inside. The unsaid can ring really loudly,so it’s most humane to just have that conversation. There are so many ways to hurt a person, choosing the flyby approach is perhaps the most childish. So next time you choose to emulate Casper, think again. Is this the only way? Are some things really better left unsaid? Is there a more honest and authentic way to relate to this human?

Get out of the dance. Happy unhaunting,

Girl With One Earring