Do you believe that love is something that finds us or something we actively look for? Are you one of those sliding into someone’s dms people or do you wait for someone else to make the first move? Do you stay at home Netflix and chillin’ or have you been on 50 (first) dates? Let’s face it, love is a loaded word. There’s a lot that’s implied when we use the word love beginning with what kind of love we mean. Do we mean romantic love? Platonic love? Parental love? Love of self or love of others? And yet, regardless of how many types of love are out there you all instantly knew what I meant when I used the word love. I mean that special love. The kind of love that sees you. The kind that embraces you. The one that accepts you flaws and all. I mean that particular brand of romantic love where feelings are equal and reciprocated. The one we are fed on all media platforms. The one we are all supposedly looking for.

But are we -or should we- all be looking for it?

In a survey of x friends that I asked the unanimous answer on looking for love vs. letting love find you seemed to be “you don’t find it, it finds you”. This was a shocker to me. Here were all of these highly educated, desirable people saying the trick to love was to— wait for it—wait for it.

In an age of Tinder and Bumble, love has become perhaps the most accessible it has ever been. You don’t need to do more than swipe or click a button to be on the other end of a date with a potential love interest. If we are supposed to be looking for love, it has never been made easier for us. But maybe that’s part of the problem. Love has become commodified.

A few years ago, I did a program with a spiritual love coach. The idea was to start finding my truth in order to consequently attract more love. In New Age speak, I was supposed to learn to vibrate on the vibration of love, in order to be met with that same vibration. Self love first and all that. Now, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. That shit is harder than it seems. It involved a lot of digging into my subconscious and trying to find the patterns of love I had been taught, but it made me think a lot about this idea of looking for love and whether or not it equated to desperation. Was trying to find love maybe the problem?  

Have you ever noticed how your ex comes crawling back the minute you’ve moved on? Or how when you get that job, suddenly the offers come piling in. Like attracts like. It’s a law of the universe. When you are in love with what you’re doing/who you’re being, you attract others who are on the same wavelength. So, if we follow that logic looking for love comes out of need, meaning anything we attract will be from na2s, so it’s not looking for love or letting love find you that is the answer, it’s neither.

As a dear friend put it: “Honestly I think both are unhealthy because there’s a waiting aspect, whether looking for it or waiting for it to find me”

So if we’re not playing the game, what do we do about finding love?

“It’s surrendering to fate and keeping the pace”

“It’s letting yourself be loved.”

“It’s just doing you and the right kind of love will flow your way.”

I’ve heard a lot of answers and yet none of them have satisfied me. There’s too much of a mystical tone surrounding love and “finding” it. But I guess love is one of those things that’s impossible to explain. Each person experiences love differently. So it would make sense to say that being open to love is the same as being open to possibility.Being in a love-mindset means affirming life. It’s that gathering you say yes to or that smile you return. Furthermore, love is an emotion that grows. What starts out as “like” eventually morphs into love. Love is often in the details, it seems.

Where do you stand on looking for love vs. letting love find you?

Do you “put yourself out there”?

What does it mean for you to be open to love?

Lovingly yours,

Girl With One Earring