One of the signs that you’ve entered adulthood is that you begin to lose friends. People you thought would be in your life forever begin to opt out or fade out. Relationships you thought would stand the test of time begin to disintegrate.

People often talk about how traumatic it is to lose a love interest or a potential love interest, but it’s rare that the dissolution of a friendship is addressed. What happens when you don’t have that person to send that funny HIMYM reference to? What happens when you have to bow out of the group outing because she/he is there? What happens when you can’t invite her/him to your wedding?

Friendships take on so many shapes and fulfill a myriad of roles in our lives, it’s impossible to put them all under one umbrella. And yet, each of us knows what it’s like to lose someone we’re close.Whether it’s not getting that birthday call or being stood up for the 3^rd time, we’ve all been through it. Here are some of the patterns I’ve noticed and some of the feelings that have come up for me:  

1. The ones you think are your friends but they don’t answer or call when shit gets real

This is a very common form of close friend and perhaps the most prevalent of all friendship-ending reasons. This type of friend will go to a party or a hang with you, but won’t call you when your grandma dies or your sister gets married. This friend is hard to root out, but once you begin to see a pattern, jump ship immediately. It’s not worth hanging with the ones that don’t got your back. When this type of friend comes around, we often wonder how we didn’t see their fakeness to begin with and start doubting the whole foundation on which the friendship was built. This is fair (although you should never guilt yourself) but speaks to the weirdness that is friendship and honours the different levels of intimacy that exist in our lives.

• The convenient ones

Think your neighbor or your work friend. This type of friend is all there for you when it’s convenient (shuttling kids together to nursery, grabbing a drink post-work, going to Thursday yoga class), but once the common denominator is gone, they all but disappear. To be honest this is many of us and is hard to judge (because you know, life happens), but that doesn’t mean it stings any less when the fade occurs.

This failed friendship has us feeling rejected and lonely. Spin class for one is much less fun than spin class for two. Nonetheless, this is perhaps the easiest friend-loss to move on from because you tend to be aware that there is a specific factor bringing you both together.

• The ones you probably shouldn’t have been friends with to begin with

This category is reserved for childhood/school/uni friends. These are the ones you became friends with at a young age, maybe because you were part of the same group, but don’t have that much in common with anymore. This friendship usually fades out gradually as you both age and go your separate ways.

This is a tough one. The closeness that exists with someone you’ve known for a while and have gone through many life stages with is hard to replicate, making the loss particularly biting. Then again the little that you still have in common makes it easier to deal with. This one goes both ways, I would say.

• The ride or die (who no longer rides nor dies)

This type of friend is the hardest friend to lose. Usually something earth-shattering happens to end this type of friendship. In proportion to that the loss is heavy and is mourned for a good amount of time. This is the type of friendship whose end changes you as a person. I have cried many a night over losing this type of friend.

So what do we do when we lose a friend?

Personally, I’ve lost many friends in the last few years. Some voluntarily, some not as much. In all cases it has been heavy, in all cases it hurt (a lot). What I would advise is a lot of patience and self-love. A lot of loving kindness. Forgiveness meditations, once you are ready. Losing a friend is like losing a part of yourself, so you have to be very caring and careful of what will grow in his/her place. Let it be love. There is nothing that I – or anyone— can say to justify the erosion of something that played a major role in your life. I do believe, however, that we can be there for the little moments. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself that break. You’re worth it.

As always, I’ve got you

Girl With One Earring