A year ago, I suffered from a post-viral infection that hit my nervous system and brain, severely impacting my physical and mental state. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t even wipe my own butt all of the time. I was anxious most days and accordingly wrongfully diagnosed by the medical professionals that took my case. The medication I was prescribed was too intense (or just wrong, I don’t know) and ended up resulting in a complete system collapse. I was on the verge of death when my parents decided to fly me to Vienna to seek help from a Neurology specialist that they had been referred to there.

There are many more things I can (and probably will) say about this episode of my life. The emotions I went through. The way the whole thing was handled. The effect it had on many of my relationships… But the reason I am bringing it up right now is to stress the disconnect of where I’m currently at.

For years it has been my dream to start this blog. I envisaged it, I mood-boarded it, I talked to my friends about it, I even attempted a simplified version on Instagram (girlwithonearring- if you’re curious). Nonetheless, I never thought that when I finally got the courage to launch it, I would be so disconnected from writing or who I am as a writer. You see, one of the byproducts of my post-viral state is that I seem to have lost my gut-brain connection.

What does this mean?

It means I’m making decisions out of my ass.

J/k. Sort of.

You know that feeling you get when you know someone is lying to you. Or that instinct that makes you turn down that job and take the other one. Or that craving for dark chocolate tiramisu. Scratch that last one. Or actually leave it. That’s your gut talking to you.

It starts as a small nudge somewhere at the base of your stomach and grows louder. The more connected you are to your body, the more likely it is that your internal compass speaks to you. Relaxation, comfort, lightness, these are just some of the ways in which your body converses. Now imagine that all of those cues are missing, or severely dulled. What do you do? Do you rely solely on your brain to choose the next step?

This is what I’ve been struggling with. As someone who lived on the gut instinct, I am having a hard time adjusting to my now impaired impulses. Whatever the virus did to my brain seems to have dulled my ability to feel in the abdomen and thus in the gut. Accordingly, I reason every decision I make a hundred times until I actually go through with it.  And once I have gone through with it I’m never sure if it was the “right” one.

This got me wondering a lot, how do we “know” that you know? Have you ever paid attention to how it feels on the inside?

Before I suffered from this viral attack I thought that our gut instinct or knowing was purely a soul-related matter, i.e something outside of our understanding and in connection with the Source. Now that I have lived a bit without complete motor functions, I realize to what degree the body’s cues play a role in establishing our gut feelings. From food cravings to rest periods to how a person can affect us, the gut rules all. We just don’t give it enough credit. Losing my ability to “feel” in the gut has made me aware to what extent we really rely on the second brain and how miraculous it really is.  

Losing my ability to “feel” in the gut has made me aware to what extent we really rely on the second brain and how miraculous it really is

I would like to say that I’ve managed to hack the system but unfortunately, I’m still struggling. What I have learned though is a way to cope. Here are my top three takeaways on gut feelings:

1. Our memories are vast. After having to rely on somewhat impaired impulses for a while, I have made use of the memory of how my body used to feel and thus how I used to act.
2.  I have also learned that people and bodies are very forgiving. Whenever I have messed up and done the “wrong” thing I have usually been treated with much understanding. Whether it is in another day of fully functioning digestion or just some slack at work, the trend has been towards patience.
3.  Finally, I have realized that sharing our shortcomings is one of the ways of arriving at Truth and thus accessing a “communal gut” of sorts. When you are transparent about your vulnerabilities you manage to access that same level in another and thus get a little closer to their gut or essence and maybe to your true expression as well.

How do you “feel” or how does your gut speak to you?

Gutlessly yours,

Girl With One Earring

*Photo credit: Farida Fawzy